My life

When you hate the life you have,

Wanting to change

But do not know where to turn.

Forced into an expectation

An unrealistic one.

Never pleasing someone,

As they want you to live by their life.

My life is my own,

But I am trapped.

Trapped with nowhere to turn.

Finding out what the turbulence is real.

The turbulence you don’t deserve

Because of someone else’s expectations,

Someone else’s rules,

Rules they want you to follow.

When all you want to do is flee.

Flee to somewhere, where the rules are my own.

Where I have my own expectations,

Not needing to worry about anyone else.



Standing still

I feel like I am standing still

While the world around me keeps on moving.

Moving forward,

Whilst I feel like I am left behind.

Left behind wondering where I am going.

I feel like I am standing still.

Wondering where I am going,

Will I ever move forward?

They say life isn’t a race

But somehow I feel like it is.

As I stand here,

Wondering what will be my next move.

Whilst everyone seems to be moving along.


Howard’s End: A review

Last night saw the fourth and last episode of the Edwardian drama Howard’s End on BBC One. Firstly I had never heard of this before, upon realising it is adapted from a novel by E. M. Forster and was first published in 1910, the height of the reign of Edward 7th son of Queen Victoria.

For something I had never heard about or seen before I rather liked it and would be giving it four out of five stars.

Personally I found it rather poignant and moving. This is my review.

It centres around three siblings of Margaret, Helen and Tibby Schlegel; all three are marvellous in appreciating the arts and culture in their own ways. They are intelligent and the two sisters Margaret and Helen have their own inheritances to live off, whilst Tibby is a man with an expectation to work, do well and raise a family in the expectations of Edwardian society.

For me the whole drama highlights the social and economic differences between people in that era. The glamourous associations and wealth accumulated by business with the Wilcox family, who are brought into the story from the start as they grow an association with a trip in Germany. I would like to point out the Schlegel siblings are half German. Helen stays with the family in the countryside at Howard’s End. It seems a charming place but Tibby hay fever stops him and Margaret joining. At Howard’s End Helen began a liaison with the younger son, but it is broken up because of convention.

Moving further into the story there is the comparisons of Margaret a young, vibrant, opinionated and intelligent woman who could have easily led a suffragette movement, to Mrs Ruth Wilcox who was demure, quiet and longed for a freedom that Margaret enjoyed. I think the highlight was shown in a scene with Helen at the Wilcox’s when a debate had begun and Ruth Wilcox mentioned she was glad she didn’t need to vote. Something which confused Helen who like her sister is vibrant, yet she is more naive in another sense.

From this moment I found Helen insufferable, she was childlike and insensitive to others feelings. One thing to compare her to her sister was Margaret sacrifice for her siblings really comes through passionately and vehemently throughout the story which is why as a character I love he, as she shows how dependable she is on family and the unit of closeness they have in comparison to the Wilcox machine. None of the siblings listened to conventions unlike the Wilcox’s whose reputation meant everything, which in the end is ironic, which I will come to later. The only I didn’t find Helen insufferable was the last episode when reality had hit home to the situation she was in. In calling her sister a hero was a thank you without saying the words, which was nice to see a reconciliation between sisters, but credit to Margaret where it was due, in my opinion!

One character I could not take to was Leonard Bast. His domineer and association to his wife Jacky I could not fathom. They were not married yet kept to that preface again because of reputation. His life was not benefited somewhat with his association to the Schlegel sisters, especially Helen who interferes with his life, warning him from a source of Henry Wilcox that the company he worked for as a clerk will soon be closing. He quits his job finds another and is laid off because they reduced staff and he is last in and first to leave. This leaves him in poverty to the guilt of Helen. See this is what I couldn’t understand. Did the feelings develop after she wanted to help him or was he a mere pet project of hers to make the Wilcox’s of the world suffer? Or were there ever feelings? Just a passion to suffice the loneliness she portrayed to have, which in the end she became pregnant by with Leonard Bast child.

Margaret is a woman I admire as she sacrifices so much that in the end she wants something for herself. In falling for Henry Wilcox a man her sister dislikes a lot to the point of vexation. She convenes to the typical Edwardian woman standards with a twist. Margaret is a modern woman in standing up for what she believes in and speaking her mind freely, regardless of her husband Henry Wilcox. She stays true to herself and family even though she is in love with Henry. Helen even points out her heroism to secure a home in a permanent place, as that is why they had to move from Wickham place.

Howard’s end is full of ironies. The Wilcox family especially the children who learnt from their father that reputation and status is everything, yet when Charles the eldest son is found guilty of manslaughter in the death of Leonard Bast the family is in ruin. In comparison to the Schlegel who enjoyed some of the finer things did not purely go on reputations and status which was proven in Helen’s pregnancy prevail and get a happy ending and a house, which is what they wanted from episode one.

That Henry Wilcox only changed not after his second wife Margaret told him the truth of what he was like, but the imprisonment of his son, shows that deep down Margaret and Henry came to a unity. That change is possible.

Furthermore it was a drama that symbolised change, not through the men but with the women. Each character had something to bring and symbolised society itself. For me Ruth Wilcox represented the Victorian woman, the demure, silent woman with no opinion but just to rear children. She dies and in a way that figure of a woman and of a stereotype goes as well. Whereas Margaret represents the new woman, the intelligent opinionated truthful woman who is where the time period would be heading. Helen naïve nature today represents which it didn’t back then the naïve and innocence of youth that was brought to a quick reality with life changing events. Today that would symbolise a war, back then maybe it was a symbol of how Helen never truly conformed the way her sister did, because she didn’t have to. Henry represents the old style of work and relevance of importance in a name and fortune. He is shallow and relies on those only of his class station, before becoming embroiled in a Bast saga and the truth from his wife and the tragedy of his son changes. This represents society’s views of having to change whether it was ready or not. Charles purely represented colonial greed, which was ironic as his younger brother was working out in the colonies of colonial Great Britain.

In conclusion I would watch it again!


In a circle

For I see so many things,

On the wide ocean bloom.

With cherry blossom pinks and crystal clear blues.

I row on my rowing boat

Going round and round.

In a circle forever more,

For I don’t know which direction I should occur.

Soon enough all will be clearer,

Then I will know my way.

But for now I will keep rowing around in circles

In a merry sort of way.


For some time soon,

I will know, I will be rowing for a while.

Soon enough land will be in tow.

Then I will seek where I need to go.

Probably again I will see the ocean bliss,

The happiness in being lost.

For the adventure is finding out how to be found.

The form of etiquette

When I was a child I was always taught my manners of please and thank you. Always write a thank you note in recognition for a present for Christmas and birthdays. Say sorry and mean it, if you are in the wrong. One thing I really have noticed is how manners and shall I say etiquette have gone out of the window.

I find nowadays people are more rude than before. One thing I have noticed which is my ultimate pet peeve is when people are walking and looking down at their phone and are not looking where they are walking. But best part is when they bump into you as if it is your fault, even though you are watching where you are going and have moved to avoid them, they still give you a look as if you are in the wrong. Better yet they ignore you and just walk mindlessly along.

Honestly I wish you would LOOK UP from your phone and take in the world around you, rather than keeping it all virtual. There is a lot going on around you as well, plus it would save you keep bumping into people.

Talking of phones, another thing that annoys me is phone on the table when you are out for lunch with someone. Put the phone away, talk to the person opposite you and pay attention. Put your phone away. Engage with the people around you who actually want to spend time with you, not a food picture to get more followers on Instagram.

Furthermore if someone opens a door for you or keep it open, then say THANK YOU! Two words that show appreciation. Remember them. Thank you is important whether it be in person or a note. We all like to be appreciated.

Lastly say please. It can go a long way!

Masks and charades

You dangled me along, for ever so long,

But now I am wise to your disguise.

That when you come calling,

I will listen to warnings.

That previous actions, are abiding you know.

For you missed a chance,

As now it won’t last.

For your charades and games,

Are a mask, that needed to be revealed.

For next I know all of this,

That you will not get a chance to say, I miss you and say hello.


For the fallen

It is over a week since Armistice day and Remembrance Sunday.

My question is do you still think about them, apart from the times you wear a poppy and give silence in a mark of respect? Think about your answer and read on.

The reason I ask is because from my family history research I have come across so many relatives, closely and distantly related who fought in World War One and have both sides of the coin in that they died in action or survived the war.

Not long ago I came across a website called Everyone Remembered done by the Royal British Legion. I decided to commemorate my cousin twice removed Tom Speak on it, as his name is on the Thiepval memorial. What you do is place a poppy and a message to remember the soldier. Now the reason I am mentioning this website is because by 2018 the Royal British Legion want all WWI soldiers who died remembered.

Currently there are 747, 696 names to be remembered. There have been 480, 711 remembered so far. To be honest it doesn’t have to be a family relative, it can be anyone from where they suggest as the website has that option for you to do.

But what I want to encourage is for people to research their family trees. I am not saying you have to go back to the 1600’s and if you catch the bug and end up doing so then fabulous!

Now think of the question I asked earlier, what was your answer?

Think what if I had someone to remember? Well in doing your family tree as far as your twice great grandparents, you can answer your question of remembering someone in particular. It would be great to put a name to a family and then to remember a name and their story of life and death.

So please visit the website and see who you can find to remember!